• 

I’ve had a difficult year 😪 although it has not come to an end yet , and it’s not something I wanted to talk about or write on🥱, buh look at me now, oh well.

Looking at myself straight at my bathroom mirror, I begun telling me this like a day ago

“Don’t expect anyone to love or respect you if you don’t fully love yourself first Missy.

I smile broadly, admire my chisel shaped front incisors and think of applying for a toothpaste advert 😎

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. We accept the love we think we deserve ”

Once, in a dry season, I wrote in large letters across two pages of a notebook that innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.  Realization struck me hard recently, or maybe 2 days ago. It was a matter of misplaced self-respect. My self-respect had been pinned, and I faced myself that day with wonder of being someone who has come across all sort of things in this era. I lost the conviction that lights would always turn green for me, the pleasant certainty that those rather passive virtues which had won me approval as a child would favor me all through. It all comes down to realizing that no one will know your worth and respect you if you don’t do that first. The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself I mean to cultivate the self-confidence to deal with whatever life throws at us. Self-respect comes from an inner belief and not an egoistic feeling of superiority.

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You ever love someone but your timing is wrong, To love yourself is not just a self-esteem boosting piece of advice , it is the key to truly loving others. Sooo, here’s the deal. I recently had this breakdown but it’s all good now. I don’t know how to exactly phrase it but I’mma stop beating round the bush. So, stay with me, this is gon be one of my longest reads.

Matt said he loved me first, I wasn’t in for the idea of it all at first cause we was just friends. Taking my time, I sorted to lay low and play the “not interested focused pretty one” we all do at some point. Falling deeply into this frenzy zone, I begun forgetting who I was, what I stood for, you know all that. Stopped caring for me and begun looking out for Matty what friends do😂. Afraid to lose the link, I sort to stay and strengthen the link,I got overprotective,jelly, misplaced priorities and back and forth . Poor Missy begun falling for the the same guy she had doubts bout. Afraid to consult, I let no one in, it was the kinda” forbidden love that ” resorted to self decline, self doubt and all you can think of.

So after couple of months of back and forth in & out confusion , thoughts hit me. Like I always did in the midst of self confusion, I took a moment to think of those things I most needed to hear from others, from Matt. Whether it be that he loves me, admire me, accept me just as I had always been, appreciate me, forgive me or anything else. I took a piece of paper and wrote them down. Make sure I exhausted my list. I found out that what I wanted to hear from others , from him ,is what I most needed to tell myself.

So , we had this this break from school, I realized I did love Matty, so I told Matty I did love him. Of course he was happy. But he had a lady, a nice lady. I didn’t mind since we was not serious bout all that. The break was done , and we was back together together. Still in school, in love, books, teachers, hatters, exams, and books and books.

We played cat and mouse but I was not convincing enough that I was in for what we had or thought we had. So the other day, after us, or rather me not being sure if this is what I wanted, my first ever serious relationship, my first ever, we all have our first until we find our last. Decided to open up to Matty and tell him that yes, I really do like you and it’s driving me on the edge that I don’t know what I want.

Well, you can guess, I was late, had sank my own ship, rejection, yes, it was rejection, with reasons of course, . Have you ever been rejected before. But sometimes, God breaks your heart to save your soul Me being me, I rather not let stuff bother me, we delete them as soon as the error occurs, and wrap them up in the trash.

• 

I realized that Loving me first is a win-win for all, before I could let myself lose to someone else’e child. It provides you with an inner happiness, confidence and peace of mind that is not easily swayed by outside events and opinions. It enables you to make healthier choices and the best decisions across all areas of your life from your intimate relationships to your finances. It allows you to truly rejoice in other people’s good fortune rather than wondering “why, not me” or even resenting it. It enables you to be more genuinely loving towards others and to be of greater service to the world at large. Ultimately, the more you love yourself, the more everything and everyone you encounter benefits. Trust me, am there, loving me, not just a lil’ bit buh sooo much that I can choke on it. It’s not being selfish, the best I can call it is self respect , I guess.

Our insecurity always gets the better of us. My own personal perception is that we tend to ignore the good aspects of ourselves. This is caused by the community ,friends,environment in which we live. The harmful influence of our environment is mentally destroying us, breaking down our  confidence and self love.

Most of the time, when we’re being too hard on ourselves, we do it because we’re driven by a desire to excel and do everything right, all the time. This entails a lot of self-criticism, and that persecutor inner voice that constantly tells us how we could’ve done things better is a hallmark of perfectionism.

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It is an obvious statement that you cannot give something that you do not possess, yet so many people desperately love others without having or giving love to themselves. It is little wonder that in time their reserves of love are exhausted and their relationships falter. To give love, you must first have love. To have love, love yourself. Only then will you be able to truly love others for the pure joy of loving them. Give the love you wish to experience to yourself and you will find all your relationships transforming in miraculous ways.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Matty, if your reading this, I think you’re the coolest. Thanks for everything. I love you🤗

N.O👣☯

• 

What we really doing huh?

This goes on again and again no day passes without it. It has now become a tradition, no conversation, absolutely none that we ain’t in each other’s throats. When did we lose it? At this point I should be all depressed buh my cousin is all over the place like ” Hii weather ni mbaya, inahitaji tu watu wawili” I begin to laugh and she is like ” Wa kuendea maziwa na mkate, I know what your thinking” Yah, yah I know what your thinking too. That got my mind off the situation for a bit then reality hit me again and again.

What you mean turning tables , what you mean being toxic huh?, I know I know I ain’t used to the idea of taking time out, I view both sides, weigh the magnitudes of both of then move on the you want us to move on. Is it my fault I don’t feel loved at the moment? Is it on me that I need someone to be there,is it my fault that someone is you? I am totally OK with me that we have our high ends sometimes, “we live we learn we lie”

• 

Hey how’s life?

I don’t know it’s alright, I’ve been dealing with things like any human being and I really didn’t sleep much last night I’m sorry, that’s fine I just think I need a little me time I just think I need a little free time Little break from the shows and the bus rides, yeah. Last year I had a breakdown, thoughts telling’ me I’m lost, getting’ too loud. That’s when I start to get anxious that’s when my thoughts can be dangerous that’s when I put on my make-up and drown in self-hatred forget what I’m saying, Where’d the beat go? I can be critical, never typical, intricate with every syllable, I’m a criminal intimate, but never political, pretty visual
Even if you hate it, I’ll make it feel like you’re in it though.

What you really want, Why all this?

You call me what you wanna, but never call me forgettable leave you deep in thought.
See, we’ve all got something’ that we trapped inside. That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin’ it dies. Try to hold it underwater but it always survives then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise, then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies . You don’t relate to that? Must not be as crazy as I am.

• 

The point I’m making’ is the mind is a powerful place, and what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way. It’s pretty cool, right? Yeah, but it’s not always safe. Just hang with me, this’ll only take a moment, OK?

Learning to survive, I already learned to love you as you are, accepted you with all yoh flaws, the worldwide CoViD pandemic has given many of us time, the time we always complaining we don’t have. We now all have plenty of it, use it to reflect on you, on them,that project you been putting on hold for reasons best known to you. Work on it, implement it, if it’s worth, there’s always room for improvement . Ain’t complaining buh look, I know you had enough of me. I have always been delicate Am I even relevant? That depends how you measure it. Take a measurement, then bag it up and give me the evidence .It’s pretty evident; dependable can never be tentative, I’m a gentleman oh wait shit am just a lady, depending on if I think you’re genuine, pretty elegant but not afraid to tell you to get a grip. Proper etiquette, I keep it to myself . I’m ma hang out my heart let it air out.

N.O👣☯

• 

“Beauty itself is but the sensible image of the infinite,” said the U.S. historian George Bancroft (1800–1891), but beauty can also be regarded as a value, one of the dearest to humans.

What is beauty? How do we decide who is attractive and who is not? Society is full of information telling us what is beautiful, but what fact is that information based on? The topic of beauty has been studied, analyzed and controversial for centuries. We all know the feeling you can have when you hear a beautiful song that brings joy to your heart, stand in a field of flowers that excites your eyes, or admire a face that is visually pleasing. As human beings, we are all drawn to beauty, but what is it that makes something beautiful? The controversial issue that surrounds beauty is that some believe that true beauty is defined by someone’s outer appearance, while others believe it is something that is experienced through a person.

A person can become beautiful from outside with so many techniques and methods, but the inner beauty is born naturally with the birth of an individual. A person can become attractive and appealing by knowing what can be so attractive to other person,” but inner beauty cannot be made, it is in the nature of the person. “

With a swing set, a telescope, and beautiful skies, an element of mysticism emerges in the painting, suggesting that artists from this time period held opposing concepts of beauty in comparison to artists from the Renaissance. Women in this era and decade tend to make beauty all so serious that it has actually led to creation of jobs that are actually marketable and acts as a platform for us to showcase our great creativity.

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Change has been a theme of the beauty industry, from the shifts in trends and category performance, to the wave of mergers and acquisitions which show no signs of abating in the near future. The industry has not only adapted to this change, but has continued to achieve strong and consistent growth. As beauty brands and retailers look to understand ‘what’s next’, we’re seeing more beauty brands enhance their in-store interactions with consumers through pop-up, pop-in, and other experience stores, and I expect this will accelerate.

The prestige beauty industry has relied on our insights and solutions to address the emerging trends, needs, and behaviors of the next generation of beauty consumers.The beauty landscape is increasingly being shaped. With the internet being our main source of information today, most of us are in over our heads drowning in different platforms trying to choose the best brands for our skin.

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Young girls are constantly being subjected to unattainable standards of beauty and the media does a poor job at defining what a ‘normal girl’ looks like. Female celebrities are constantly photo-shopped to perfect their bodies by clearing any flaws in their skin and editing their body parts, such as making their waist thinner and their breasts larger.

Ideally, I want to see all beauties, all shapes, all sizes, all skin tones, all backgrounds represented in thus generation & the next. Now that I am blessed to be that reflection I was once looking for, I’m making a promise to speak out for that little girl that I used to be.

Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty. One person may even perceive deformity, where another is sensible of beauty; and every individual ought to acquiesce in his own sentiment, without pretending to regulate those of others.

N.O👣☯

• 

Well, it happened — you broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend . It’s bad enough that your heart is broken, but the paranoia that comes along with ending a relationship makes things even worse.

Maybe I might seem young and inexperienced in matters to do with love & relationships but our environment does not care. Most of us have had to suffer the consequences of our parents deciding to divorce when they realized they could no longer take it from each other or because they realized that they no longer hold strong feelings for each other as they did before. Well…those most of say “Shit happens” and it sometimes does not choose who it’s happening to.

But hey, why is it so hard to let go of an ex? Even when a relationship is history, the connection you shared is not easily erased from mind or body (oh, yes, chemistry can outlast commitment). You may look back with “euphoric recall,” remembering only the highs and none of the lows. Even if the relationship was a disaster, you may not want to believe that you wasted your time and heart on a jerk. Most of us if not all of us have attended this class. You may at times vow to “make it work” and hope that in future things will change .Like any difficult change, breaking the ex habit requires a good dose of self-control and a dash of self-compassion.

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I know it’s hard…having -zero experience in all this, trust me…I know a lot of people who got struggles. Grief is an overwhelming emotion. It’s not unusual to respond to the intense and often sudden feelings by pretending the loss or change isn’t happening. Where denial may be considered a coping mechanism, anger is a masking effect. Anger is hiding many of the emotions and pain that you carry. This anger may be redirected at other people, people who are always trying to stand with you during this time you feel alone and a reject. Sometimes, the same anger can lead to pushing away the true people who cared .

You may also choose to isolate yourself from others in order to fully cope with the loss. When we reflect on the time of a relationship, it often leads us to question what we did to cause the rejection. It’s all too easy to assume that the reason our partner left us is due to a fault in our personality or physical appearance. It seems that rejection leads us to perceiving our personality as toxic and negative, which leads us to feel inadequate. But this pessimistic connection between a relationship ending and self-worth can lead to becoming more guarded with new partners and potentially ruining future relationships as a result by putting up emotional walls. Babe it’s okay to grieve the loss of a relationship as you begin the healing process. It’s not your imagination — there’s a reason nursing a broken heart can sometimes feel like healing from a physical blow You may feel as if you have been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down

Remember this: the person who broke you can’t put you back together again. Don’t make this mistake. Don’t think that this person will be the one to fix you, to help you overcome the damage, to eliminate the pain. It hurt and you still had reasons for wanting to stay by their side, but you wanted to convince yourself that it wasn’t the best thing for you.

If the relationship is causing you harm, don’t go back because you’re afraid of being alone or not knowing how to live your life without them. Because dysfunctional relationships, if they’re not handled properly, don’t stop being dysfunctional overnight!

N.O👣☯

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When people go through hurting things they get emotionally fragile,am sorry that I want to be part of your emotions. I just want you to know I love you and I have yoh back whenever ok? I know I said all those words but yow c’mon you right, am trippin. Listen babe..It’s not easy to keep losing people in your life..I understand you…the last thing I would’ve wanted to do right now is to give ultimatums ..even if you didn’t tell me earlier it’s okay you told me now… it’s okay if you want to detach and heal first..but at the same time I wanna reassure you that I will be there for you… Just lemme I’ve got your back whenever you need me. One thing I’ve learnt in this life is that you are the only one who has got your own back 100%..you must owe everything to yourself…any other person you find or meet who gives a shit about you is a blessing from God… and Sometimes it’s temporary…appreciate them when they are in your life and when they decide to leave just let go and wish them well… life has to move on.

• 

Accept that shit happens, accept it when people leave… and let go. All it takes is Acceptance … that’s the first step of healing. It’s never about turning tables, sometimes tables don’t need to be turned , no. I get that a lot and the fact is I clearly think it’s reverse psychology but I’m used to getting that from you, maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not.

If you depend on one or a few people for happiness when they leave you’re left frustrated and all.

So appreciate people when they are in your life… accept it when they don’t want to be there anymore … because there are some things you can never force… you can’t force somebody to keep loving you… that’s the least somebody can do… and then letting them go in peace. As long as you tried your best to be nice to them… they will realize what they lost after they go… but that’s on them..it will probably be too late to have you back. I am sorry , I love you, May.

N.O👣☯

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Have you ever tried to pinpoint the moment when you and your best friend moved from being acquaintances, to friends, to totally inseparable besties? You probably can’t quite remember every single detail about how you two grew to love each other throughout the years. That’s why your friends…It was mutual, for the both of you.

“We’re just friends,” ….people generally assume that when they consider another person a “friend,” that person also thinks of them as a friend. In other words, friendship is reciprocal. In itself this may seem like an interesting but minor finding, but this large proportion of asymmetric friendships translates to a major effect on the ability of an individual to persuade others to cooperate or change their behavior.

The first is that we shouldn’t assume people with a high number of social ties are “influence rs.” Such people are no better and often are worse than average people at exerting social influence. Friends become increasingly important to health and happiness, ( I love you bff( Mwamburi /May), I have found it to be a stronger predictor of well being than having strong family connections( No offence fam, I love you🤗🥰❣❣❣❣❣❣). They’re so crucial, in fact, that having supportive friendships made me one time want to dedicate this to my best one …look babe…it’s not my original work though.😂😅

BEST FRIENDS

Best Friends

Best Friends

Do not walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Do not walk behind me, I may not lead.

Just walk beside me and be my friend 👩‍❤️‍👩 (Albert Camus).

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We all at times long for that person whom we are going to hold onto and call all the time to give them the latest development in our lives. On the new girl your having a crush on. The new guy who you thought was single but is apparently married and has a son, How your parents keep having fights, how you miss your late mum.Just admit it friend ,we all need that one person. One

Through our journey, we learn that friendships become “more giving, sharing, frank, supportive, and spontaneous.” Not all of us have had the opportunity to meet someone genuine be it in our love life or social life. We often find ourselves being the one’s feeling as though we didn’t do enough. Still, even if you feel like you have an immediate connection with someone,it may take several dozens of hours spent together before you truly feel close, and consider one another close friends. That’s my take though.

Best friends are in a special category in our lives. They did not earn the accolade ‘best’ for nothing, That joint prize was won after lots of joy, effort, hardship, companionship and affection. They will always be there ,when you break up with a significant other, your best friend sympathizes and empathizes and says something like, “That bitch/bastard, you dodged a bullet there.”( Hellooooo😫😪😌). Your best friend will sit down and offer his or her advice and practical wisdom when things go pear shaped.All of us have that secret that you can only trust your grave with or your bestie. The random friend’s you keep, you’ll let them in and always try to remind them,“This is strictly confidential.” It never was! With your best friend, you know that your secrets are 100% safe.

We all have obsession’s, who doesn’t? Best friends just laugh off each other’s obsessions though and can joke about them. Once the bond is true, you will never be jealous because the bond has thrived on openness, trust, loyalty and being supportive. ( Lessons anyone?) Their garden is in full bloom. Never look too far, your best is always right beside you. Who knows…might be your future best significant other!🐾.

N.O👣☯

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Every generation seems to give the next one attention for it’s music. My folks often tell me that our songs are a reflection of our disintegrating values .That the music we listen and dance to is worse than what it used to be .

In the past decades, the lyrics of the songs were mouthed, the likes of Dolly Patron, Bryan Adams, Michael Bolton, The Who, Queen, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, , Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin, 2PAC , Pink Floyd, Madonna, Bob Marley, Rolling Stones, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Jennifer Hudson ,David Bowie , Thee King of Pop Michael Jackson, the late legend Kenny Rodgers , the famous pop band The Beatles were whispered ,the genres were pumped and now the society is sliding into the sewer.

Music is a blessing. It is something that absolutely everybody can feel. Who hates music? It is how an artists soul expresses itself into this dimension if it can’t be literally done through words

Today the songs that play on radio, makes me occasionally catch myself thinking. Great hits that took the world by storm in the early 75′ are slowly fading with the upcoming generation as from 2005- to this age we are in… Times have changed and we can’t take the same medication for an illness after recovery…That is why we seem to come up with new genres to keep up with the changing times. Bob Marley once sang: “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.” According to some studies, this statement may ring true. These are songs that reflect the change in the pop industry over the years. Just but a few of course😉

• We are the world- USA to Africa
• He don’t love you( Like I love you)- Tony Orlando ft. Dawn
• Candy shop-50 Cent ft. Olivia
• Lonely- Akon
• Up town funk!- Bruno Mars ft. Mark
• Earned it(fifty shades of grey)- The Weekend
• Fourfiveseconds- Rihanna ft.. Kanye West & Mc Carthe
• See you again- Whiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth

The Beatles which was an English rock band which formed in Liverpool in the 1960’s was the most influential art of rock band. Not going too far Michael Jackson , born 29 June 1958 same date as my friend’s Birthday Mwongela Nzirani…who supposedly a fan of Michael donated a remarkable 500,000,000 dollars to charity. Music is generally about giving, receiving and giving back to the community. With this CoViD-19 pandemic going on Robyn Fenty Rihanna famous for the hit song “Diamond” that almost all of us sing along to has donated around 532,000,000 dollars to aid the affected. But of course, she’s not the only generous artist whose done that.

Studies have shown that music can buoy your mood and fend off depression. It can also improve blood flow . Along with inducing stress,the wrong music can promote rumination or other unhelpful mental states.

“I think music in itself is healing 😊,” American musician Billy Joel once said. “It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music.” Most of us would wholeheartedly agree with this statement, and it is this universal bond with music that has led researchers across the globe to investigate its therapeutic potential.

Enjoying music is unique to humans. Unlike food or sex, music isn’t necessary for our survival, but it is extremely rewarding and pleasurable. For the brokenhearted , a sad song is empathetic and validating. It is an elixir of motivation to compel the completion of the most mundane of tasks. There are many ways to participate in and utilize music and broadening musical experience and taste can become a journey of self discovery, for like any art form, in music we see our humanity!

N.O👣☯