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If it doesn’t nourish your hair or soul, let it go!

Today, my workout partner noticed I was off key, not jumpy as everyday, so we had one of those heart to heart talks. {We have them like everyday, but weeh, this one popped stupidity out me😂😪 }

She says your heart controls your entire system, it coordinates with you brain, lately mine has been leading me in somewhat confused direction. Let’s face it. Many of us choose to hang on to things that at some point have hurt us, angered us, made us feel sad, or depressed us. If we choose to hang on to them, we will never move forward and we could even create physical or medical damage to our bodies.

Think of it this way: you’re on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don’t serve you. After a while, these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get rid of them, you’ll never complete your trip.The next step is to create an action plan, the past is over. Where do you want to go now and how, do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions.  Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging on to something, you are here now. I know some of you may say the following: “But Nick, where I am right now really sucks, I don’t want to think about it.” It only sucks because you’re looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things anything from nature to the wonderful family  you may have.

Love, no matter how hard you find it, it will remain invisible, no matter how hard you try, you won’t get it. But when your about to give up, it comes.Sometimes, the love we are looking for is right in front of us- too close for the eyes to see. There are things you like to hear but you can never hear them from the person who says it with his heart.Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Sometimes, no matter how much we try to avoid it, life hurts us. The very nature of being human is to feel, to experience life, and with that comes the ebb and flow of pleasure and pain.

A few weeks ago, I realized that love ain’t as easy as I had always pictured it. I’m easy to love buh It’s hard for me to trust you love or care about you until both my brain and heart agree on it. But nope, love is when you’d do anything for that someone and deal with all the problems and fights that happen between you guys because you love them because if they leave you or “break you heart’ then they never loved you.

I believe the things that come with or you have to do with love are the things that really hurt. Because love is beyond just the sexual aspect but also when you never want to leave that person and no matter what goes down between you guys you would stay with them and fight for them because you love them, so the thing that really hurts is trying to have 2 people in one life and doing what they want to do at the same time doing what you want to do.

I once read somewhere that moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things. It just means you accept what happened & continue living because you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be. You have to know that when people treat you like they don’t care believe them.Maybe one day , I’ll have what you need but don’t wait too long, because maybe that day you’ll want me, is the day I’ll have finally given up.

How people treat you is their Karma, how you react to theirs,is yours.

N.O👣☯

This Attitude Came From Pain, I wasn’t always like this…😪

It’s a minute to 7. pm, suddenly,

I found inspiration outta nowhere

(honestly, twas after a phone call with a special being, practically like a second soul 🤔(https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/86573713 )

Just like that, feelings start flowing and I have drawbacks, I was OK, for the past 6 days or so. Reality starts looking like some dream , am wondering, 6 days ago I was the happiest person, with myself, my progress, my cousin (of course she’s the one and only) , dancing at 12 midnight almost everyday… (while babysitting my lil cousin).

And now, I don’t even know , if it’s me, or if it’s the real me coming back to the impostor me. I know my smiles have been genuine, I know my talks have been true, I know my clothes fit me well,

right…? I mean right?

I know I haven’t changed, but the saddest part is , I feel like am turning into someone I said I’ll never become.

This evil me is telling me to

“Stop being forgiving because people usually know what the fvck they are doing.”,

while the angel in me is saying ,

“Those who are heartless once cared too much, so you still care and you’re not heartless Nick… or are you?” .

The evil side still goes on like ,

” You’ve been left on, cheated on, lied to, mislead but you still out here trynna love?, respect yourself bro!”

As always, my angel will come to the rescue and give an opinion,

“Look at you, you used to have a special bond, with him, her, them, but now, ya’ll changed, be yourself, keep going, it’s not your fault there’s a reason for everything right?.”

The question marks at the end make me feel guilty for a while, honestly, I don’t know why.

Yes, as I was saying…

For the 100th time, my devil comes in

” A mf will have you feeling special, and dumb at the same time. Maybe you are really dumb😂😂🙄”

Maybe I am dumb, but some part of me is always damn tho 😂🤔 …

I consider the thought for a while, until my guardian comes to the rescue…

“Sometimes, I know you feel like people be doing you wrong because they know you’ll still be there, but that’s who you are…but don’t regret being good to people, cause one day, they’ll wish they still had that. And that is what makes you isn’t it?”

The battle in my head goes on for a while , for a second, I’m grunting too loud everyone around me stops what they had been focused on and throw weird glances… even the TV goes mute for a while.

Ignoring them stares… I stand up and walk to the bathroom or washroom, loo even, whatever you call it. It’s my quiet place, it’s my home of thought’s, until Nolan knocks asking ,

” Kuna mtu? “ ( Is someone in there?”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

#Black Lives Matter

#All Lives Matter

Stay safe

N.O 👣☯

THE GUILT.

Sometimes…it’s not the people that change, it’s their masks that falls off, and to me, that’s a damn personal experience, trust me, they’ll never be the same again and don’t try to change nothing, instead, keep yours on because it is the real you.

The beauty of Karma is beyond any beauty I know of. It just happens, that’s the beauty, it’s not forced, it’s a natural course.

#Black Lives Matter

#All Lives Matter

Stay Safe.

N.O 👣☯

_Jammed005

Let me tell you something…

there’s nothing honorable than Loyalty, noble even. But blind loyalty, that is a stupid and dangerous thing. Be loyal with your eyes open, cause that way, you’ll know where they going and therefore, you’ll know where your going. I pray that’s the case with me and you. You and him, and her, and them.

#Black Lives Matter

#All Lives Matter

Stay Safe

N.O 👣☯

My Name This July😞🎀

I don’t know why but I want to change my name, my identity, maybe use one of my many unknown names, like Kiki,

{My lil’ sister never knew how to pronounce all my names, so to her, that was “Nicki”}

To start over, with new faces, a new family, a new school, new friends, new location, new clothes, new hair, new glasses, new shoes, new phone, a new birth certificate written “Kiki ” yes, just one name.

A new start, I want to see if in that world, things will be any different from this world. If Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinrest, Linkden, Tellonym, Interpals,YouTube, will be such a big deal in that life. If school will be interesting, if cancer will have a cure or if HIV will be just like malaria.

If being gay won’t be a big deal, if elections won’t cause wars, if racism will be a thing of the past, where money will not control the society,if we would just serve one God despite the many religions, if the rich won’t be at the top most of the hierarchy , if there will be a true Brotherhood.

I’ll want to know if in that life I would have had my first kiss before 18, if I would have found” The One”, if I would have had a complete family, if I would have a good heart like now, if I would be oversize, skinny or petite , if I would cherish every moment of it. I want to know if giving birth would be a painful experience as it is now. If in that life, there’d be another Dan, another Mark, another Jean, another Mory, maybe a new Hillary, another Ellen,or Mo, a different May, but the same me with a new identity.

I wonder if all this would be possible, how many of us would change times and opt to be someone else, would ya’ll miss what you have left behind? Would you take a few of the people who make you you if it was an option, would ya’ll regret later after the transition to go back?, but what if there was no way back? Would you spend the rest of it trying to relive what you left behind?

If I was told to choose, I’d take my time, and that time is the gift I’d give the few people in my life, cause that is the best thing you can ever give to someone, because you know what, it is one thing you can never get back,so please, don’t rush things, live life minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week by week, take your,

TIME🎀

Music by some guy, I’ve had a crush on a while back in some fest Wells, but we friends now🥰 , enjoy!

#Black Lives Matter

#All Lives Matter

Stay Safe

N.O 👣☯

Close your eyes 😊.

Lately, I have been watching a lot of series during my free time. I don’t know why, but I tend to smile hard when the characters in the movie kiss, whether straight or gay. Sometimes I cover my eyes with my hands, like a kid, shy of watching adults getting intimate. Like when Arch and Veronica , Jughead and Betty from Riverdale do it, Henry and Patty from insatiable , Jace and Clarie from The Shadow hunters.

Nolan likes asking if High School in the States means just going to prom, kissing, having sex,going to parties and some homecoming stuff, doing drugs, getting into gangs , well, I can’t give her that answer but sure, it’s what we pretty much made to believe in almost all the TV shows and movies we been watching lately. At least they do most of all that.

I remember my friend from primary school once pecked me on the cheek behind the classroom door after lying to me that he wanted to tell me a secret and made me swear never to tell anyone, so I said “I promise”, I won’t tell no one, he told me to close my eyes, the next thing, I felt his lips on my right cheek, before I opened my eyes, he was gone, so I think that was my first kiss, I guess😂😂😊 . It was really romantic and all .And yes, I’ve never told no one out of the possible fifty who were in my class, see, am loyal😂

My second was when we had gone on this school educational tour, for lack of a better name, and my best friend kissed me on the forehead a couple f times, I don’t know but I think I loved all the couple of times😂🥴.

Sometimes , I wonder which girl is texting their other halves , they be like ,

“I love you your very special I will never Love anyone else I would rather be single and on my own. This heart beats for you and you alone my one and only forever and ever…”🥴🌹

or maybe guys be like telling their buddies how they messed up

“Learn from my mistake, I took for granted the person who loved me so much she had given me so many chances but all I did was hurt her again and again, I didn’t give her enough time, I was so busy with my life, focusing too much on my future that I forgot that I’m loosing her, we’ve been together for almost 9 years. And this song reminds me that I wish I could be the guy who can love her the way she loves me.” 😂 😔 😢

I got nothing against relationships but until I find that someone who treats me like I matter, who shows me that I’m worth being loved all the time, not just sometimes, worth being missed always, who’ll call back after getting a missed call to confirm whether my world was ending or if I’ve had water, if I can see well, someone who won’t mind keeping tabs on me always, someone who will always make time, who’ll not treat me like his plus one,one who’ll push all my buttons, annoy me, then make me smile after seconds, one who’ll say “I need space” after an argument cause no one said it’ll be easy, I know am making it sound like some fairy tale or some wild imagination but I know someone out there has all this flaws but still…still

When we finally find each other, all these imperfections won’t matter, because no one is perfect, absolutely no one. Someone who won’t be afraid of losing me cause you can never lose what was never yours, right?

Hang in there, there’s no rush, trust me 🌹.

I was thinking, do you remember your first kiss?🥴😂😂

#Black Lives Matter

#All Lives Matter

Stay safe

N.O 👣☯

STAY ALIVE.

15 hours ago, I was on a ride of my life, the one you guys call “ride or die”. This was really that like literally ride or die. Around 12 midnight , we set our minds that we was going to go for a morning run from around 5.30 in the morning . I had trouble sleeping so me and my cousin room chatted, I wasn’t really sure if I was going to wake up the next morning or not.

So I thought if I was going to die, I’d rather sit back and count my blessings, my mistakes and clear my conscience,but am sure some of ya’ll would spend it drinking or doing whatever. Haven’t checked my notifications {IT’S LITERALLY AT 732} on YouTube just before I did, I tapped on James Arthur’s song, “Can I be him”,

I swear I cried, for almost an hour, I don’t know why, I just did,

was I afraid I was dying ?,

was I afraid I didn’t try to make it work ? but instead put you before the feelings I had for you?,

was I afraid what might happen when am gone ?,

was I afraid who’d take my unfinished script ?,

who’d launch and brand my designs?,

Who’d live up to my dreams, ambitions, goals?

was I afraid who’d wear my clothes? , was I afraid who’d listen when they needed someone to be there?

was I afraid I’d never get my first kiss, have a true love story, get my heart broken, be a Dj at some important function like launching my first written screenplay?

was I really afraid, or was I just feeling pain…

I fail to answer all this questions and when Arthur pushed his notes on the song, I felt like I wanted to scream and be at the same level as his singing, afraid to close my eyes, afraid I might not open them again, I watched a some of Trevor Noah’s comedy on YouTube, read a couple of blogs and just when I got tired, the alarm went off for our morning run, it was 5.30 am, in the morning, Nolan said I don’t really have to go if they’ll end up carrying me all the way back home, I figured if I was to be dead, I’d better be running my last laps than sleeping on the couch.

#Black Lives Matter

#All Lives Matter

Stay safe, stay alive.

N.O 👣☯

Star gazing❤

Life is like playing a piano White keys are the happy moments Black keys are the sad ones ,

But as you play the piano, you realize black keys make music too.

Day time and flowers, Tunnels and showers

Wasting my hours Why did i let you go ?

Night time and towers, A love like ours

We stood here closer, But we’re far apart I know I’ve spent my days trynna feel the same in my own little ways I must be insane …

I’ve spent my days trynna play this game, in my old old ways ,fire got lost to rain

I fell in love with a girl she was out of this world I fell so hard ,but, now she’s out of my heart

I fell in love with a boy he got me all wired I fell so hard but now I know that I’m in control.

I know it’s mine to blame but ain’t this a game I’m bound to lose either way?

#Black Lives Matter

#All lives Matter

stay safe

N.O 👣☯

AGING 👵🏼🗝

“All beings, be it plants , animals or human walk a path on a journey for an answer…

Every day hundreds of journeys end, but that does not stop the ones who loved them from stopping because they know that they will meet again at the end.

So if I am to fall, please, keep walking and I’ll wait for you at the finish line.”

“If you fall… then I will carry you until you can walk again.

We’re friends right?

We can walk the same path and I’ll make sure we pass the finish line together.

So… don’t worry about falling over. I’ll pick you up again and patch up your wounds. We will make it to the end.”

We have all sacrificed something at some point

I’ll always wait for you.

#Black lives Matter

#All lives Matter

N.O👣☯

PARALYZED …♿

“So I grabbed you…♿

Smiled at you… Protected you… Saved you… 😊

Healed you.. Coped with you… Laughed with you…🌹

I was with you through it all.. 😞

You were like a sad and hurt caterpillar trying to become a butterfly…🦋

Until I found you… That I saw your transformation…🤔

But if only I knew.. That you would leave…😒

After I fell in love with you… 😕

You told me to find another butterfly to help…😏

Now that you were a beautiful one yourself.. 😷

But you’d never understand…🚶‍♀️

That in my heart…❤

You were the last butterfly…🤡🦋

One smile can start a friendship

One word can stop a fight

One look can save a relationship

One hug can spark a hope

One touch can bring a warmth

One whisper can bring assurance

One decision can stop a war

One cooperation can bring abundance

One kiss can bring a kindness

One sleep can bring rest

One wake can bring happiness

One solution can stop the tests

If we only learn to smile to a stranger, to stop the fight, to start a relationship, to spark a hope, to embrace with warmth, to speak assurances, to end the war, to give abundance, to pass forward kindness, to allow rest, to share happiness, then maybe we can pass God’s test!

Everything has an end, but there is also something called a beginning. “A NEW” beginning.

There may be the last leaf, but there is a new seed.

There may be the last chip, but there is a new bag.

There may be the last life in a video game, but there is a new game.

There may be the last episode, but there is a new season.

There may be the last chapter, but there is a new book.

There may be the last chance, but there is a new opportunity.

There may be the last goodbye, but there is a new hello.

There may be the last butterfly, but there is a new caterpillar.

  Things have an end and die, but things also begin and live.”

Watch the stars Maybe you’ll see me Don’t forget me Don’t cry for me Because

I’m alive In your past In your heart In your head

Three words I can sum up everything I’ve learnt about life

It goes on

I’m not sad or depressed. Just tired. Really tired of everything.

The prettiest smile hides the deepest secrets, The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears, And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain❤ .

#Black lives Matter

#All lives Matter

Stay safe

N.O 👣☯

Why Do We Fall?

“Don’t promise When you’re happy ,

Don’t reply When you’re angry,

Don’t decide When you’re sad.”

All good things eventually come to an end, but the journey is what makes it worthwhile.

If you put your hand over your heart, you’ll feel a little something called a heartbeat. No matter how fast or slow, it’s there, and it’s a constant reminder that you were put on this world for a reason, that YOUR life matters, YOU’RE worth something. Don’t be afraid to make a difference. Dare to inspire yourself and those around you. YOU are a like a puzzle piece in this world; eventually, we all fit together to make one big puzzle that can change the world. Don’t give up. Remember to persevere. You matter.

Whenever I fall down…… I feel pain…

Whenever someone hurts me… I feel pain…

Whenever someone tells me, I’m not good enough…

I feel pain… And it hurts… and…I feel… sad.

But it’s not the pain that hurts… it’s me

The people that lost someone your not alone, to the people that are hated the people that are being hurt please understand your not the only one. Your perfect in many ways no matter shape or form no matter what religion you believe in your still human to me, the people that are getting bullied please read this be yourself . Don’t let them stand in your way just know your gonna do amazing in the future and I believe in you! To the people that lost someone understand that there is a better place to cry for them let them be a memory, they are always there for you no matter where you go. To the people that lie understand this lies don’t get you anywhere, to the people that are hurt note this: I know you done something stupid I have as well but you know that’s better than regret.

~ In you darkest time

~ Remember you hope

~ And you will be fine

~ In your sorrow

~ Rise, from the dark

~ Rise from your ashes

~ Rise through the sky

~ Rise through the sun

~ Always remember

~ That even the darkest cloud

~ Still have their golden part

How does one rise? The attainment to something great, the accomplishment of some heroic feat, The recognition of those around. In this world there are many who despite their best efforts have failed to accomplish what they would deem heroic, to attain to anything they would view as great, however I believe that the true meaning of this comes from within.It is the action of rising the resolve to not remain the same, a will to improve, to become better, to overcome the personal flaws we all face in our daily lives and to strive for a more perfect existence within our own conscience. We only know how far we have risen when we look down. A moment of clarity that shows us we are not what we were and not what we will become.

Don’t grieve that the thing or people you love the most are gone. Be happy that it was there with you at some point of life

In the darkest times when we think that nothing can be done, we hear the voice of God and he gives us strength to overcome our strongest and most powerful enemies, and then we realize that the battle wins not the strongest person, but person who believes in something who is stronger than you? God who created him, God who gave him so much, and then we see how wonderful God created the wonderful world.

The darkest hour of the night is always just before the sun rises

#Black lives matter

#All lives matter

Stay safe

N.O 👣☯