I never had anyone genuine in my life. They come, get me attached and leave. They don’t call me or text me to tell me they miss me or love me. It’s always the other way around. And it’s come to a point where I just felt like maybe I’m better off alone to the point that lockdown isn’t affecting me. So, cherish those who misses you, because some of us just don’t have anything.

Nothing hurts worse than realizing the reason that they left, was just because they stopped loving you. It makes you question the very value of love and hurts in a way that is unshakeable. It makes you look back on how long you tried to tell yourself that they still did…even though you could see they were slowly walking away. That’s my situation currently. And unfortunately, I see not light and the end of the tunnel. I put extreme amounts of effort in trying to get them back in my life, even though they don’t love me or I assume… I step on eggshells when I message them trying not to sound needy. I do many things to distract myself from texting them my feelings. Staying away from them is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. If only I could tell them it’s all     because I want them back, I want back who I knew before, am stupid for you. Even after it’s been long gone. I sacrifice my happiness just hoping to avoid being hurt again. Yet I am chasing the very person who changed on me. Knowing that it would result in the same hurt as before…. Sick of the cycles. I need relief. Does anybody feel the same way?

It’s okay if you are feeling disappointed. it’s OK to feel bad and it’s absolutely OK to miss some   old memories. respect your emotions not like anyone really cares 😅 but recently my best friend hasn’t been talking to me because her new “boyfriend” is her new priority in life. Whatever happened to “No one can take your place, no can can replace you” I liked it when you were my little secret . I really miss her but time is time, right? Friends come and go and that’s all I can say. I feel like I fucked up.  My depression tells me she’s gone and I know she is. 💔I miss the old me the one who used to smile all the time without faking it how she used to talk to strangers without being afraid of something bad happening, how she used to hang up pictures on her wall that weren’t sad and most of all I miss when she wasn’t depressed.

 Ever feel like you are trying but it’s a battle with your mind? You know what you need to do to yourself where you need to be but you can’t find it in you to do it. You know if you don’t do it things will fall but you just can’t do it. You don’t know why you can’t but you just can’t. You wanna fix it and you know how but you don’t even try. What does it mean?

And yes, my cat died, on new month’s eve, tragic I know, I even thought  he committed suicide that’s crazy  I know. Whatever that means I got an idea though it’s really simple, May I loved you my guy, but God loved you more, rest easy. No more cat’s no more May’s after you.

 Hope this month will be different 🤗cause it’s mid-year and I got to change something’s around here.

Happy New June ya’ll .

Stay safe.

N.O 👣☯