It’s around 10.am now, it’s raining so loud I can barely hear my heart beat inside my chest. Try to visualize it. I’ve been jamming on some breakup song “Naogopa-Rayvanny” since the genesis of CoViD-19. Try listening to it sometime later, I was even thinking of adding some new lines I felt he left out. The rain stops for a minute, two minutes, then it comes back stronger than before. I can actually relate to the break it took, the rain I mean. It was all too much that it had to break from it just for a while. My emotions have lately been raining hard on me. Big heart like my mama’s, I love like my pops’, I forgive like my sister, I care like my brother and get weird like my lil’ sister. Buh what do I really do like me? Finding myself is the hardest task I been tryna complete lately. I don’t know if you already found you but when you do, be proud of yourself, it’s not something easy. Brooke says “Give yourself time”. I have lately been giving it to people who I thought needed me round, needed my time, buh I think I offered enough of it, they found something better, someone worth theirs . It’s ok not to be ok, it’s ok to be immune to hurt, it’s ok it is always ok. Once when I was still a kid, I was like 12, mum was making lunch and we had disagreed on something I didn’t like. So, she sent me to get some kales from “mama Mary”. We had not gone to church that Sunday and with all the drama from home, I decided that day I was gon leave, go and never come back, be alone, forget I had a family.
Stupid and naïve I left , after walking for about 6 hours, with nowhere to go, I decided to walk back home. I went back, from the one place I was running away from, from my blood, from everything, I was only 12, buh now it’s been 6 years and I don’t want to get away from it all I want to stay and watch everything, see the end of it and see the new dawn of yet another transformation, I want to meet people, I want to know how to broken feels like, I want to learn all the tricks. I keep trusting, I keep believing and I keep hoping that one day, the right person is gon show up, is gon treat me right, is not gon do me dirty and rub it in my face, but that person is me, I’m the only person , But only if I’d find me, I’d not ask too many questions. There are things that happen that makes us feel powerless, insignificant, but that’s just it, they are just feelings. Sometimes we got to stop feeling and start doing, sometimes we lose track of time in the dark.
Did I not weep for him whose day was bad? Was my soul not grieving for the poor? Buh when I looked for good, evil came and I waited for light , darkness came. My heart is not in turmoil, neither is it in regret ,my days of affliction just came to meet me. I go about blackened, buh not by the sun. What would be my portion from God above. Does not calamity befall the unrighteous? Does he not see my ways? Surely are they wicked?
N.O👣☯
Coco👣 